Wisdom in Love

Recently, I read this letter, written by my friend Jenna Stone. It's beautiful and soulful and the kind of advice I wish I'd given my daughter (and myself) years ago. Fortunately my daughter found her wonderful husband. And me...I've taken this quite to heart!

Thank you Jenna for allowing me to share your great wisdom! Check out more of Jenna's wisdom: facebook.com/puremoxiejenn

June 13, 2011

 

 

Hey J-

 

 

I was in a funk about guys last night. A real bitter little funk. I fell asleep thinking of how much I didn't believe what I'd said to you about romantic notions being our great downfall. It was in that moment. A fleeting moment of defeat....a moment I felt compelled to write about and share ...so for what it's worth - this is me being completely vulnerable ...

 

 

Deep down - in my heart of hearts - I am happy - thrilled in fact- that I've had the privilege of being in love and having been loved...

 

 

...even if it happens just once - it's a true miracle ...

 

 

I don't want to just settle or "pick one and stick with him/her". That is a philosophy of cowardice. I expect more out of life...out of myself...out of the partner I choose. 

 

 

People get lazy with relationships - putting all of their effort in the beginnings - or as a last ditch effort at the absolute last possible second - pretending it is not too late at the end. Stretching it out much longer than it should be stretched ...like taffy ...till it finally thins and breaks. Relationships should be viewed as marathons not sprints. 

 

 

Relationships are definitely hard work ...but the work should be like writing a book-- calculated risks- and yet you know the pay off will all be worth it. There is no question - Love should have the half ton payload - filled to capacity - absolutely every nook and cranny full - bursting at the seams. 

 

 

I have taken the long road to learning and understanding life and love - but I now have a clear grasp on my own absolutes. 

 

 

* I won't settle for someone who has no respect for themselves - or for me - or for my son. 

 

 

*I won't be with someone who is chronically unhappy. 

 People who are happy do not want others to be unhappy. They strive to make people feel good - they share the strengths not the weaknesses of the people who surround them. They are of the light. 

 

 

*I won't be with anyone who is abusive.  

People who are abusive to others secretly loathe themselves and truly- their cup runneth over... It's not personal - they just can't give what they don't have ...  It's not that they don't love you - they just love you to the depth and length and width of their form ....as much as they have been stretched - pulled- and moved to love. They can only love you to their own capacity. Your half-ton to their quarter-ton ... That is why love sometimes just isn't enough. It is the most elementary of math equations. 

 

 

*I won't settle for someone else's choice for me. 

 Arranged marriage? Cultural bias? My family or friend's idea of what is right or wrong for me? No thank you. This is my path - my journey - my decision. 

 

 

*I won't settle for someone who is living in the past - Who can't be at peace with what has happened in life. 

 

Acknowledge and move on. Being present and moving forward is the only path I want to walk on.

 

 

*I won't settle for someone who is willing to settle. 

 Comfortable can quickly become uncomfortable - an itch that no one has the energy or gumption to scratch. The difference between a rut and a grave is only six feet. This is not my first rodeo. To settle down does not mean to settle. And if it does- I will truly never settle down. 

 

 

*I want all of it. 

I want the marrow of life and love. I want the romance - the fanfare - the friendship- the shared vision - the confidence - the enthusiasm - the unquenchable thirst for a full life - the trust - the loyalty- the support - the undeniable impact that true love can have on everyone around us. 

 

 

*I want a partner who will meet me half way on the path - who is a whole person with or without me. 

I don't want to complete someone or to be completed. I want to share my whole experience of life with someone else who is whole and on a similar path. 

 

 

*I need someone who can support me and I him 

...a helper...not a savior. A champion - not a hero. A reliable friend to help balance when either of us are a little off kilter. Someone who challenges me ...pushes me... and is ready to be pushed back. Someone who knows my potential and will hold me accountable and wants the same from me. Someone who is longing to grow ...and is not afraid of change. Someone who thrives in chaos and embraces the next adventure. 

 

 

*I want a role model for my son- a mentor -a friend. 

My son has a father - he doesn't need a replacement - If we have someone in our lives - while my son is still home - I simply want him to have mutual love and respect for both of us. 

 

 

 

 

*And for the long term? 

Simply this - I want someone who is willing to hold my hand and match my stride - I want someone to walk with - dream with - breathe with - simply be with....

 

 

 

 

Do You Believe in Ghosts?

Do you believe in ghosts?

 

With the ghostly element of my new book, HAUNTED HEART, coming out soon, I thought this might be appropriate.

Remember the advertisement for one of my favorite movies, "Ghost"? I've thought of that often, but until this experience I'm not sure I believed, despite the promise of the ad.

But when my daughter was a teen, we took in a French exchange student and it was absolutely one of the best things we’d done! Hortense was beautiful, smart as hell, very down to earth and a LOT of fun. As teens do, the number of French exchange students multiplied and we ended up with three more exchange students staying with us at least most of the summer.

We decided to take them all camping at Yosemite. I’d never been there and looked forward to a break from the California beaches, which are a bit crazy during the summer. But I worked as an Air Traffic Controller on a schedule they call “the rattler”, because it definitely leaves you rattled! In this schedule I typically didn’t have time to sleep between the early morning shift and the midnight shift that evening. And I very often had a consulting job or ice skating competition for my daughter the next morning. So staying awake and alert for 36 hours was something I had trained myself to do and thankfully haven’t done in years now.

This particular weekend was no exception. There were preparations to be made for camping. But I’d camped quite a lot in the mountains. I knew it would be comfortable, if not a bit cool at night.

After my midnight shift, we loaded all five of us into my Mazda MPV and headed out for our adventure. When we drove over Gorman pass to Bakersfield, my new car overheated and we had to stop for ten minutes several times. It was hot in the Central Valley. Of course, it was July!  But summer heat had been lost on me in that I lived on the coast and air conditioning consisted of opening my windows a bit wider and when it was extreme heat, I’d turn on an electric fan.

The kids had discovered a new American band and had asked to put in a C.D. They all sang the words aloud in broken English (except for my daughter) and within minutes I ascertained that none of them—not even my daughter—realized the words they were saying—thank God!. I fought back a blush and pushed eject on the stereo. We loaded a Latin music C.D. and everyone seemed to be enjoying it. Although I admit it may have been just as obscene.

We’d gotten a late start out of Yosemite, and with the numerous stops, it was after two am when we began our descent to the Yosemite Valley floor. The kids were all asleep and at that point, other than a brief nap, I had been awake for over 36 hours. NOTE: I cringe when I see that now. But back then, I was quite used to working and carrying on for days before sleeping.

Driving into the valley was extraordinary and I was re-invigorated. I could sense the spirituality of the place—something I had never experienced anyplace before. And I could feel the greatness of the monoliths that surrounded us. Their presence was sharply carved out of the brilliant star-filled sky.

The kids had left on the Latin music, and suddenly, I thought I could understood the words to the music.

We arrived at our campsite at 3am and set up camp. Our camp area was called “Housekeeping” and it consisted of three cement walls and a curtain. Outside of the curtain was a picnic table, and a fence that enclosed our camp and provided privacy. We closed the curtain with the girls inside on the beds, and the boys outside on the private porch and all fell into a deep slumber.

After my days without sleep, I usually made up for it when I did crash. But this time I woke unusually early to the sounds of camp—always pleasing sounds and smells: coffee and bacon, pancakes and eggs frying and the smell of fresh pines. I looked out at the gap in the curtain, it was a bit more open than we’d left it.

I remember quite vividly thinking, “We need to get the kids up so we can hike now. It’s going to get hot later.”  I glanced at my watch. It was 7am.  We’d slept only 4 hours. I argued with myself and couldn’t imagine why I thought it would get hot. After all, we were in the mountains. It doesn’t get hot in the mountains!

Sensibility won out and I went back to sleep for another three hours. When I did wake, the kids had already started breakfast and I was grateful. Yosemite was breathtaking and I couldn’t wait to get on the trail.

As we ate, Hortense asked me, “Who was that man?”

I asked, “What man?”

“The man you were speaking to this morning?”

I couldn’t imagine what she was talking about. I hadn’t spoken to anyone.

Hortense was not to be put off. “The man that said we had to get up to go hiking because it was going to get hot outside.”

A chill ran down my spine. I knew exactly what she was talking about, but it had most certainly not been a verbal discussion! I had opened my eyes and been fully awake. Still there had been almost an argument about the question of heat in the mountains.

Finally I said, “Hortense, there was no one there. I didn’t speak to anyone.”

She said, “Yes. It was the old cowboy, with the long gray beard.”

“Old cowboy?”

“Yes. And he spoke to you in Spanish.”

At this, I sat in stunned silence.

 

Several hours later we made the very rugged hike to the top of Yosemite Falls. And I discovered that it did in fact get hot in these mountains! I carried a gallon of water and by the time we got to the top, the water was gone. It hit over a hundred on the trail and the climb down was rough without water..

A few days later we walked through Yosemite lodge. There was a picture of John Muir and his team. There, next to Muir was a Hispanic looking old cowboy with a long gray beard and something about him was definitely familiar to me. I turned to Hortense and her eyes were wide as she nodded. It was him.

 

Nothing else happened the rest of our time. No floating items, no secret messages, no signs at all that there had been a visitor who had somehow worked his way past the boys cots and opened our curtain to warn us. Still, I will always remember the ghost I never saw. But yes, I believe. Do you?